Talking with myself.

“Having a child is an opportunity for great growth and you get so much in return.” 

“Really? She just told me she wants to emancipate herself from us. She says she refuses to move with us to the South.  She wants to move to CT. She said the F word to me. She says she is going to hate every moment of it. It is my fault because I want to be in a warm place. She hates the everything about the South including the people and the heat.”

”While we try about life, our children teach us what life is about.”

“Life is about what again?”

“Children are the hands by which we take hold of heaven.”

“Oh, no. Does this mean I am going to Hell?”

“A daughter is a little girl that grows up to be a friend.”

“I have you on this one. I am not friends with my mother. I don’t even speak to her.  Wait….Oh Lord, please. I am not becoming my mother am I?  When I had Nell I had no idea that she was going to be so gifted and so full of anxiety. Who expects their child to have the kind of struggles that my child has had all her life?  Who can ever be prepared? 

“He who teaches children learns more than they do.”

“I think I have learned that I have a fierce love for someone can be very angry, afraid and has no reference point for what it is to be responsible for someone’s well-being.”

”To often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve.

“Oo Oo…I do this! Frankly she scares me. She is like a hurricane and I don’t have shatterproof windows.  How, do we know when we push, protect, stand firm and just plain go on vacation? 

I am going to punish my children by saying “Never mind, I will do it myself!”

“Hey!”

“Human beings are the only creatures on earth that will let their children return home.”

“I see what you are saying here.  Lighten up and breathe. Think silence and sun-kissed beaches.  Seriously, this is about me putting the significance and meaning into everything, isn’t it?   She says she hates me and I think “You drove her to this because you made too many mistakes.” She says I am ruining her life and I think “She never going to speak to me when she grows up.”  Yet, it is all words. Just words that are spoken into the air.” 

“The only Zen you find on top of mountains is the Zen you bring there.”

Wow, she apologized. She said she would not complain and put me through purgutory anymore about moving. It was her fear talking. Fear of the unknown. Fear of change. She realizes that even though she does not want stuck in her misery it is after all the place she knows best and feels safest. She hugged me. She said she loved me. Twice.”

“If I never do anything else in life that will be fine because the most amazing thing I ever did was to give birth to this baby girl.”

“Agreed.”



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About susanmeccaurbanczyk

I am fifty year old woman with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue. I have been ill for 15 years. I am also mother of a 16 year old, a wife, a classical dressage rider. A trainer that specializes in damaged horses and riders. A designer of unique and elegant horse accessories and clothing. With another division for women to indulge their passion for lovely accessories and clothing that helps them to express their inner artist. A gardner with a passion for the sun and sea. A traveler that is getting to love home best now. A decorator that used to own Feathered Nest creating interiors that people never wanted to leave. I adore animals and own 2 pugs, 2 15 year old chihuaha's and one ancient silky terrier. We have three cats, two guinea pigs, a budgie named Sweetie and two lovely horses. I am embarking on a quest of sorts. To see what it is like to take all the knowledge I have with my meditation, mindfulness, self creation etc and instead of inserting into my life as I would a chore have it become interwoven. Then see and record how it effects my illnesses, my marriage, my parenting, my training, my designs, my friendships...everything. I hope to enjoy the ride.
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